1. Don't be so mean to Monday. Someone's gotta have the balls to start the week. You sure don't see Friday taking one for the team. So what if everyone awaits his arrival and he gives you the last happy hour before your full priced weekend and people thank God for him on a weekly basis and he justifies blasting *NSYNC's 'Just Got Paid' and smells like sweet sweet freedom. . .
Damn. I'd marry the shit outta Friday.
2. Go to the dentist! I repeat: get your stankstank brefff in that squeaky plastic deathtrap of a chair and soon! An every 6 months cleaning will do wonders for your social life. Yeah, it's uncomfortable but it's not going to kill you. And I know I called it a deathtrap earlier but I was only exaggerating for effect. Don't be so literal. Pansy.
3. When writing your next grocery list go ahead and add a couple things you may not like but majority of the population does. It's polite and the right thing to do. I don't give a ball sack if you think mustard is the devil. If you have me over for burgers and dogs from the grill and I open your fridge door to some damn Miracle Whip I will Ex-lax your next spritzer in a hot second.
4. Next time one of your dramatic I-only-accepted-you-because-well-actually-I'm-not-sure friends posts only a ':(' as their facebook status just go ahead and like it. Even better, comment on it with "Colon-parentheses is an incomplete sentence, silly pants." That way they will have to admit they're sad which is what they really mean. Take it a step further after that and ask why they are sad which will be hilarious because isn't it obvious that they don't want to talk about it on facebook?
5. A little gossip goes along way so be careful. My theory? Don't say anything you don't expect to be heard. So don't talk crap or I'll be forced to tell everyone that your breath stinks because you're afraid of the dentist. Isn't being a girl fun??
6. Let me translate something for you real quick. When a guy says,"Wow. Your boobs have gotten bigger!" He means: Wow. Your boobs have gotten bigger. Now when a girl says,"Wow. Your boobs have gotten bigger!" She means: Haha bitch you've gained at least 10 pounds.
7. Ombre hair, ombre fingers, ombre toes, ombre clothes... Ombrace a new trend.
Thanks for stopping by!
colon-parentheses (the happy kind of course)