Parachute Prayer

We all have them.  The dreams that make you question if we just might be sleeping while our eyes are open and enter reality when our lids slide shut.  They leave an imprint on the clay of the mind and seem to materialize into an escaping shadow that lurks throughout the following day.

We were on a plane, my little brother and I.  We are separated by few years and tied by a shared rebellious soul.  The destination seemed unknown and the passengers around us in discomfort and worry.  Their brows furrowed and minds reeled for answers as they waited for reassurance from our captain.  My brother and I sat in a strange sense of peace only in the company of each other and one stranger sharing our row.  A tall mysterious man who returned our half smile.  We were poised; prepared.  But for what?  

The captain offered little hope over the speakers with a shaky yet apathetic tone and soon the drop of free fall swarmed our stomachs.  It was clear there would be no turbulence to blame.  I took my brothers hand as the floor opened beneath us.  We were going down.  My eyes closed as my lips released the beginning of my last attempt for rescue, "Dear Heavenly Father..."  My brother followed my lead and joined.  A prayer of forgiveness and hope found rhythm in the chopping wind surrounding us and a slow freedom filled our lungs.  

That's when it hit.  Not the awaiting ground but a hand on my wrist.  "Take hold!" were the instructions of the mysterious man we had seen next to us on the plane.  A rope dangled between us and dear life gripped it in our hands.  The fall began to slow as we looked up to find the welcomed shelter of fabric spread above us.  Light beamed through the heroic sheath as a humble piece of land became visible.  I looked to my little brother in disbelief; we were saved.  He gave me the same bright grin I have cherished since the birth of our memory together and simply said, "Amen."

My eyes parted abruptly to find that the dream was gone and only my room remained.  I pulled my pillow close and thanked God for the experience.  Though the small journey began as a nightmare, a city currently separates me from my little brother. Any visit is welcomed even if it has to be in slumber. I knew I had been given one of the best moments a sibling could ask for: the simple assurance that we just might make it out alive after all.

. . .

Thieves of the Night.

The night has become too loud again.  Shadows of familiar faces are brushing the walls and they look too close to your own.  They wait until the time is right to slide in next to you.  They know eventually the body will tire, flagging surrender.  Quickly they sew past dreams into present slumber.  They will begin with the beautiful kind, ones that resemble the closest you know of God's gifts.  Their favorite background seems to where home was last felt.  The dirt moves beneath your bare feet and all is right again.  You are where He gathered the matter that makes up your bones.  The wind is warm and your breathing at peace, all that surrounds you is love.  A birthright love.  You sense company and it is those you crave.  Every one of them believes you are here and for good reason.  

They congratulate and kiss you.  But why?  Asking would be ridiculous.  They look to you as if you should know the reason very well.  So accept it; basque.  You walk through and thank them, return the light in their eyes.  The line of them becomes scarce and you can see an end.  It's coming whether you move forward or not.  

Fear floods the veins and you look to see that your loved ones have vanished.  So you run.  The cold stings making your body unable to cooperate with your mind.  That's when they show.  The doubtful, the slick: the thieves of night.  They hold up their medals proudly. Trophies of innocence and hope surround you. The hands that grasp them are of the few that were able to make you feel disposable at some point in life.  The makers of your fears.  Your guard is down and that's how they prefer it.  They are coming for you.  

Seige them.

You wrestle the courage to stagger a few steps.  They gather to yell and the words hit like blades on skin.  Each cut releases strength and you surprise yourself by continuing.  You struggle as the worry sets in for how long you can take it.  The closer you get, the more your sure to bleed.  

Most nights the dark surrounds too tightly and their voices mute your own. Jolted, your eyes face the ceiling.  For now it's over.  The breaths are quick and tears swell as you pray for comfort.  Guilt begins to set in for letting them win another one for the shelf.  You lay there plotting for revenge but find no peace in it.  The only escape is to remember the few nights where you took the victory.  The night you pushed through and shielded their mouths and knives.  Their strength soon became your own as your feet pounded into the ground.  The sprint became so vigorous that your feet could no longer touch the ground.  You looked to see that it was not because you had fallen, you simply took flight.

Love, Rants & Raves

1.  Don't be so mean to Monday.  Someone's gotta have the balls to start the week.  You sure don't see Friday taking one for the team.  So what if everyone awaits his arrival and he gives you the last happy hour before your full priced weekend and people thank God for him on a weekly basis and he justifies blasting *NSYNC's 'Just Got Paid' and smells like sweet sweet freedom. . .

Damn. I'd marry the shit outta Friday.

2.  Go to the dentist!  I repeat: get your stankstank brefff in that squeaky plastic deathtrap of a chair and soon!  An every 6 months cleaning will do wonders for your social life.  Yeah, it's uncomfortable but it's not going to kill you.  And I know I called it a deathtrap earlier but I was only exaggerating for effect. Don't be so literal.  Pansy.

3.  When writing your next grocery list go ahead and add a couple things you may not like but majority of the population does.  It's polite and the right thing to do.  I don't give a ball sack if you think mustard is the devil.  If you have me over for burgers and dogs from the grill and I open your fridge door to some damn Miracle Whip I will Ex-lax your next spritzer in a hot second. 

4.  Next time one of your dramatic I-only-accepted-you-because-well-actually-I'm-not-sure friends posts only a ':(' as their facebook status just go ahead and like it. Even better, comment on it with "Colon-parentheses is an incomplete sentence, silly pants."  That way they will have to admit they're sad which is what they really mean.  Take it a step further after that and ask why they are sad which will be hilarious because isn't it obvious that they don't want to talk about it on facebook?

5.  A little gossip goes along way so be careful.  My theory?  Don't say anything you don't expect to be heard.  So don't talk crap or I'll be forced to tell everyone that your breath stinks because you're afraid of the dentist.  Isn't being a girl fun??

6.  Let me translate something for you real quick.  When a guy says,"Wow. Your boobs have gotten bigger!"  He means: Wow. Your boobs have gotten bigger.  Now when a girl says,"Wow. Your boobs have gotten bigger!"  She means: Haha bitch you've gained at least 10 pounds.

7.  Ombre hair, ombre fingers, ombre toes, ombre clothes... Ombrace a new trend.

Thanks for stopping by!

colon-parentheses (the happy kind of course)

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Love, Rants & Raves: Summer Edition

1. Summer has arrived.  All girls with cute feet and newly graduated Jenny Craig's rejoice.  All gals with more to love and pterodactyl toes.. well.. get creative.  October weather and closed toe shoes are only 5 months away.  Yikes.

2.  Ladies, ladies, ladies.  Your bikini is way cute and I totally agree that trendy neon shades look fab on you! BUT your bathroom mirror look-at-me-i-didn't-eat-lunch-must-post-to-facebook-pic allowance is one before you can't blame the world for judging.  So choose wisely.  After that make some girlfriends hop in the pic with you or at least set your timer outside and pretend someone else thought you looked so good they couldn't resist the shot.  Your secret is safe with me.

3.  We get it.  It is hot as blazing balls outside.  That doesn't make it okay for you to post a shot of your car's thermometer and expect it to be interesting.  I'm checking facebook while driving for crying out loud and I really don't appreciate you making me risk my life with a picture I've been trying to ignore all day.  If you want to express how hot is in an entertaining way then post a picture of your sweat-stache.  Hilarious.  

4.  If you spray tan please do yourself a favor and spend the extra four dollars and seven cents to buy the disposable flip-flops.  Otherwise it looks like a cluster of unfortunate birthmarks are covering your feet. . might be a deal breaker for the doucher who previously offered you free vodka in his cabana.  

5.  With the heat comes highlights which really can look great and even brighten your whole summer.  However, box bleaching the living hell out of your already thirsty strands will not gain you more fun or a boyfriend no matter what Cosmo says.  Blondes may have more fun but bleached out frizz-balls get made fun of.. and bald prematurely.  If that's your idea of good time then more power to you.  Frost and Glow away.

6.  Don't tell your friend who has obviously lost the battle with carbs that one piece swimsuits are really in style and you yourself have even been contemplating trading in your teeny-weeny bikini for one.  It's a nice way of being rude and that's the worst kind.  You wore petal pasties and a thong made of glitter to the lake last Summer.  No one believes you.

Sunshine & Good Times to You,

Love, Rants & Raves

1.  Secrets don't make friends. . Unless you aren't around friends who can't know the secret.  Then they make great friends.

2. So what if your fellow employee (who you have helped out a time too many) is going to give you the cold shoulder for not switching them a solid shift. You work hard.  Keep your Friday night.  I promise they will be able to reschedule their dog's acupuncture appointment.

3.  Blow on  your hot liquids/foods before devouring them!  I know you're starving and tired but, hopefully, whatever you are consuming is not going to grow legs and run away from you if you let it sit for two minutes.  A burnt tongue is the 187th worst thing that can happen to you in the world! ..according to a study created and performed by me. 

4.  If it's past noon and you are still in bed and you don't have a hang over... Well, then you need a serious to-do list.  Or a therapist.  Either way, just get out of bed.

5.  Returning to an X after you break up with someone or are broken up with is kind of a deep burn.  If you are the breaker-upper who returned to your X then you should fully expect and be okay with just one swift kick to the balls or punch in the boob.  But if you are the X they returned to then you have unlimited permission to yell out variations of 'Burn!' like an 11-year-old the first few times you see the former X.  You only have a couple of times you're allowed to do this without looking insecure so get creative and be discreet.  A blackened eggo waffle on their doorstep should do the trick.  Make it the cinnamon kind so you seem sweet.

6.  If you don't eat meat, smoke or drink alcohol let me just say congratulations and more power to you.  But if you remind me that you don't one more time, I am going to find a way to sneak a pig's foot, second hand smoke (the worst kind, gasp!) and a shot of bourbon into your vegan brownie.  So back off and let me slowly deteriorate my body in peace.

7.  I know she sucks and you wish she'd move to Zimbabwe and live in a hut with no communication to the modern world BUT she's not going to.  In fact, she's probably going to stick around forever so deal.  Don't be a sourpuss in the corner when she shows up and more importantly don't become obviously obnoxious.  If you don't typically have a "knee slapper" kind of laugh when she's not around then don't develop one when she enters the room to prove how much fun you're having.  No one is going to believe you are having the time of your life at Applebee's.  It's not even happy hour and you're paying full price for boxed wine.  Pull yourself together.

8.  And I swear if you request 'Red Solo Cup' in my jukebox one more time. . . 

Blush the Enemy

They say you wear your heart on your sleeve, well baby, I keep yours in the pocket of my jeans

I can rinse you out of my hair and even scrub you from my skin

But you seem to show up every time I'm prepared to let someone else in

They say the right things and even root for my favorite teams 

But still I feel like a traitor resting on their worn blue seams

They say we're wrong and I start to believe they're right 

Then why does my stomach sink at the thought of flight

I sit in the corner breathless and at times welcome our death

But how can there be much of a life beyond this

I'd like to measure that faint line that claims to separate love and ha-- No, I won't say it, I refuse 

Refuse to believe that loath can be weaved even from the smallest cloth of love that has passed, or worse, crashed

So I continue to mend and glue the tears in this blanket we make love beneath

Wincing when the light of truth creeps in between the sheets

Hold me, hold me how can you resist when my wounds seep through clenched fists

That life over there may be mine 

But why then can I only see yours which awaits right behind 

Set me free, set me free

It's when you can't hear this that resentment covers the pulling silence that forces you closer to me

Blame, blame, who's to blame

You who remodels the same game endlessly or is it me  

Me, the one who is too afraid of the life that waits when your comforting arms move

Allowing me hit these virgin knees

Do I have what it takes to defeat the most harrowing enemy

After all, it's not you

It is me.

Pincushion Heart

It started by sifting through old journals. The annual examination of my pincushion of a heart that is. First things first: check for a pulse. With slight surprise and major relief, we're in business people.

Now to assess the surface wounds. The bruises. More appropriately titled: the cheap shots. Though painful when first received, they are on their way to a rapid recovery. Their delivery came from clumsy hands that never stood a chance at their target.

Time to stop the bleeding. New cuts. New love. Old routines. A slim needle pins the area doing it's best to disguise closure. Sew them quickly. Tie them tightly. Now check to see where the brick red trail leads and pray that it's not back to that place that seems to repeatedly seep.

The Scars. The cemetery of the heart. Proceed with caution when revisiting these young or wrinkled graves. Check your bare feet for any sign of new blood, it is what these old trails thirst for most. One drop is capable of birthing new hurt into the discolored tissue of these wounds. Instead enter with clean hands and gather the flowers of strength that escape their cracks. It was your courage that put them to rest and in turn planted new life. Leave with a bouquet that is petaled with accomplishment and stemmed by hope.

I've made the rounds. Now time to close shop. I'll lock the gates of the past and refuse to leave until I find the exit door that is stained beautifully with the word future. I will hang my keys here and step out to the dangerously promising bleeding beat of my own heart.

Love, Rants & Raves (cuatro)

1. it's not impossible. stop being so dramatic. put on your big girl panties and deal.

2. forgive him. forget him. move on. but do each fully. half-assing any of these steps won't get you anywhere but back in his bed hating yourself.

3. stop ordering chicken fingers and fries. don't get me wrong - everyone needs a happy meal here and there. but if you are at a restaurant and what you ordered is just a larger portion of something on the kids menu you might as well just ask for crayons too. nothing is worse than a picky eater. no prize for you.

4. drink some wine with your BFF. i promise you'll feel better.

5. dress up for parties. i'm sure your new t-shirt and flippy floppies look awesome.... on the beach. don't be a slobby slob. they didn't buy invitations, decorate their home and cook all day to serve someone who just rolled out of bed. slip into a summer frock with some fabulous wedges and make a statement. that statement being that you actually take pride in the way you present yourself. your hostess will appreciate it. promise.

6. if someone has a baby that has the same name as your mutt of a dog please keep it to yourself. No one wants to hear you compare their heaven sent bundle to your booger-eyed poodle that you for some reason named Alexis. And if you have given your dog a middle or last name.... might wanna keep that on the DL too. or at least just don't tell me. i can't promise i won't judge.

7. find someone who has your same passion and has figured out a way to make a living doing it and drill them as much as they will allow. don't know anyone? search the biography section at your local book store. even Jenna Jameson has an interesting one. but hopefully your one desire in life is not to become a porn star.

8. if you are single and want to feel fresh then i suggest drastically changing your hair. nothing makes you feel like a new you more than coloring or chopping your three year old do. if you're in a relationship then obviously what your doing is working so continue. want him to break up with you? google Kate Gosselin 2008. that didn't work? well, i guess you'll have to pull a Britney. yikes.

9. take care of your pearly whites. even if they aren't straight they should at least be clean.

10. show gram and gramps some love. ask them about times in their lives when they didn't look like a prune and a cotton ball had a baby. you will be surprised to find out they were probably way cooler than we will ever be.

Love, Rants & Raves (tres)

So lately my posts have been pretty Debbie Downerish and fortunately I am finding it hard to write something gloomy on such a sunny day. It's definitely time for some Love, Rants & Raves for the summa summa time.

1. Some classic Snoop Dizzle will make any summer day twice as bright. So lean back the seat of your car, guide the steering wheel with one hand (10 and 2 is not very gangster) and Laaayyy back. Oh and go ahead and put your mind on your money and your money on your mind.

2. Plan an adult pool party. That's right, no kiddie pools allowed. Slab some steaks on the grill and indulge in your favorite sugar rimmed summer cocktail. Get tipsy. Get a tan. And have a drunken game of marco polo with your bestests.

3. Don't have a pool? Find out what neighbors are headed out of town for their summer vacation and offer to water their plants while they're gone. WAH-La - pool for you. Preferably ask a neighbor without a big stinky mutt in the backyard. If they do have a big stinky mutt go ahead and tell them it's all the rage in Paris to take your big stinky mutt on vacation with the family. Once the family and Beethoven are good and gone, get a little crazy and go skinny dipping at night... but don't do it in their pool. It's just mean to do it in the neighbors pool. Skinny dipping - Good. More than dipping - Not.

4. Find yourself a summer fling. What better way to spice up your summer? Just do yourself a favor and try and find one that has some respect for you and himself. This will help insure that you don't get the herps. No matter how cute the swimsuit is or how rockin' your bod happens to be, that all goes down the pooper when you have herpes of the mouth. So be smart poptart.

5. It's OK if your boy wants to wear flip flops in the summer... just make sure he takes care of his tootsies. I don't mean take him to your local mani/pedi shack for the summer foot package, just some basic grooming will do. If you can get your boy to get a pedicure with you then cool if you're into that. I'd personally rather not see my man nose deep in a US Weekly mag and pink separators between his toes.

6. If he continues to wear flip flops once summer is over... burn them. Seriously. Or don't be so dramatic and lock them up until next summer. However you do it just get rid of them. No excuses.

7. Make homemade iced lattes. I'm not saying this because you need to save money (let's be honest, who doesn't need to save money right now?) but because for third time in a row that I have used my right arm as payment for a venti latte they have not figured out how to put the lid on right. I almost lost it on the barista but he happened to be super gay and super adorable and I asked him if he would go shopping with me sometime instead. Way to take a stand.

8. Be a good friend! It sounds obvious but a lot of you are not being the B.F.F. you once promised to be. And if you think it's their fault because they are too busy for you, you could be wrong. Sometimes when a friend acts like they don't need their friends is when they need them most. So pick up a $5 latte (tell Rico I said heyyy) and take it to her work with an I love you B.F.F. note. Do this or surrender your LYLAS bracelet she gave you cause you have totally not been loving her like a sister.

9. Take your heart and mind and put them in separate rooms. Talk to them both. The mind will probably say it's sick of hearing the heart whine all the time and the heart thinks the mind has a problem listening but try your best to reason with them. Get them to kiss and make up. It's the only way to figure out what it is you really want and need to do.

In the Quiet

Since when did silence get so loud? I think I know when. It had to be around the time that the voices on the outside muted the one inside. When what they said what I needed became more relevant than the things I wanted to need. The only way I can avoid the quiet is to dive into the great pool of noise the outside world so willingly provides us. Beware, a strange security is offered here. Stay here when you can't bear to be in the quiet. You will never feel alone here because there are always others who need to be in this place too. You will find them backstroking in their past, free styling through their futures and butterflying away their dreams. Some are great swimmers of these waters and only allow themselves a few laps in their sorrows. Others stay wading and pruned in a state of wonder, grasping for the remaining memories of the dry land they was once crushed under their feet.

Dive. Get out. Stay.

Dive. Stay. Get Lost.

These are your options. It would seem a very simple choice if one were not so much more difficult than the other. Staying speeds up the process of becoming nothing more than a flash in time and leaving means you must keep the light burning to find your way. So have a steady hand when lifting yourself from these waters and a strong foot of balance. To be able to ignite the light's flame you will first need to dry your skin in the cold of the quiet.

Dry. Ignite. Live.

fixed in the heavens

One of the many gifts of growing up on a farm is the deep, dark blanket of a sky that awaits you each night. Witnessing my first shooting star felt liking catching a quick wink from heaven. There were many nights spent camping on the trampoline trying to fight sleep to wait for these little cosmic phenomenons. Sometimes I would create a list of the things I would like to wish for on my next shooting star.. longer hair, catching Santa in the act, a new pony.. There was always something worth wishing for. Although I don't think I ever used the list. There is something mystical about the moment you witness falling stars. The list seems to fade and God shines a quick light on your heart's true desire. All you can really do is marvel and pray He has read the one you hope for at night.

I still find myself searching for them and, yes, there is still quite a list of currents wishes. But now when a star falls i simply wink up at the sky. I know He's got a plan and I am more than ready to start building by using the very same tools that fixed the stars in the heavens.

Stage Life

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief in her 1969 book that was based on dealing with the loss of a loved one. She describes the five stages you will typically have to endure to get back on the path of a life with some promised normalcy. Reading them made me wonder if I could successfully apply these stages to other areas of my life. It took me a second to realize I had unknowingly been using these stages to prepare for the loss of something similar in importance: the loss of my greatest Fear. I happily discovered that I was not at the beginning of these stages or even in the middle but in fact I was rounding the corner to a long awaited finish line.

Stage 1: Denial
What a sweet and slow poison it is. You know you are in for trouble at this stage. It is a small challenge to fool another but to actually convince oneself that a lie has taken on the colors of truth is quite an accomplishment. You have covered your eyes and foolishly continue to describe your surroundings.

Stage 2: Anger
What do you expect? Of course you are angry, you've been tricked. What's worse is it was not the doing of an other's hand but your very own. You're gonna need to put the gloves on for this round.

Stage 3: Bargaining
This would be procrastination's BFF in my eyes. You are no longer upset but you're unsure that you really want to deal with it all. You finally see just how much work will go into fixing it and suddenly you don't seem to have the time. You begin busying yourself with being busy. There are no concrete results from this but you are sure to tire the same.

Stage 4: Depression
I believe most go through stages 1-3 more than once. You bargain yourself right back into the warm arms of denial. Once you have finally passed that stage you find yourself flat on the floor of stage 4. There seems to be so much time you have willingly wasted by trying overcome your fear. The sands of time have somehow escaped your fingers too quickly and you will feel the need to scrape for the remains. Dig too deep and you will find yourself buried.

Stage 5: Acceptance
You look back on the journey and no longer see mistakes but lessons. The fear was there and in moments you were consumed but never broken. Promise yourself that it was a part of who you were but will never determine who you are or will become. In this stage you must be able to see your reflection and know that you are going to be okay. But you will never complete this step until you truly believe that statement. "I'm going to be okay." And you wouldn't want to go fooling yourself now, would you? Because we all know that is the quickest path to the home of our old friend Denial.

Love, Rants & Raves (two)

1. Rub-a-dub-dub in your tub. Whip out the candles, Epsom salts, bubble bath and your rubber ducky. Get serious about your bath time. Send your boyfriend/hubby out for a beer with the boys (I'm sure he won't be too upset about that) and drop the kids off at your mommas house for a couple hours so you can make room for some you time. Turn on a sweet ass playlist and drink wine in your tub until you are a certified prune.

2. Skip the sale rack this week. I know, I know, times are tough, i get it. But you shouldn't underestimate the major self esteem boost that can be found in the zipper of a full priced ensemble. Still need to justify it? Just make it a classic piece. Don't bring home a $300 plum & navy striped skirt no matter how "amazing" & "totally hot right now" the dressing room guy says it is. No one is going to believe you when you claim you'll where it to your reunion that's 3 years away. Get real.

3. Stop ignoring your 'change oil soon' sign. No one hates waiting in that greasy waiting room watching Ricky Lake reruns and getting checked out by a real life Homer Simpson for 2 hours more than I do but you must endure this. It's just not worth effing up your car and having to sign half your life away in bills a few months later. I've learned the hard way so just take my word for it. This goes for brakes too. Nothing is more irritating than having your windows down while enjoying your it's-actually-not-blazing-hot-outside-thank-the-Lord playlist only to have someone pull up next to you with what sounds like 3 screeching kittens under their hood. Don't be the ruiner of the moment.

4. Repaint your nails or take off the paint all together. Yes, you. Look at that chipped blue nail polish. That's a big no no. I am guilty of this myself but am getting better. My mother always told me it was trashy and no one likes trash. This goes for the toes too. But try and keep those painted. There are very few people who can pull off the nude toe look.

5. Make a coffee date. Get crazy and order a venti and talk the afternoon away with a pal. Or go by yourself... just bring a journal or something to keep you occupied. There is nothing normal about having a conversation with yourself out loud... in public anyway.

6. Stop box coloring your hair. Just stop.

7. Write a sweet note in lipstick on the mirror for your lover buns to find. Be sure to kiss the mirror too. He just might invite you into his morning shower... & that would be a great way to start a sure to be crap filled Monday.

8. Love yourself. I know I say it all the time but I believe we can't be reminded enough of this. Sadly, it is so easily forgotten.

love, peace & chicken grease

and now we sink.

It starts by waking up out of breath one morning and you quickly get the feeling that you have lost something. You reach for your phone and it's there. You search for your keys, your favorite necklace, your purse, your wallet, a credit card and it's all where it should be. Even the dog is flopped down in his usual spot. But the feeling is still there.

So you begin to believe you've missed something. What day is it? Friday? What's the date? Is it some one's birthday? Was I supposed to mail out that bill yesterday? Is it my day to pick up the kids? Was there a meeting today? You tear through your schedule trying to pin down what it is that you've missed because you just know you've missed something... right? No, you have not missed anything. And when you realize that is when you feel it.

Nothing is lost and you have not forgotten to water the plants or call your boss. Instead of losing you have blindly gained something. It now feels as if there is someone following you. A presence you can't describe and only see when it thinks you are not looking, a quick glance from the corner of your eye. At first it feels like a stranger then becomes a stranger who you could swear you have met before and finally it will become apart of you. You take it in as an extension of yourself, making room for it at the dinner table, offering it a cigarette on your break, even making room in your bed so it's obscure being will have a place to rest. It will be on it's best behavior at first and you begin to think you can willingly adopt this thing into your life. But you will only think this at first.

It will begin to act out. It will leave sinks running, push plates of food from the dinner table and let the dog out the front door. You will start to blame those you love for it's actions. They will be the reason things are going wrong and you'll feel you are realizing it's been their fault all along. You begin to drift from the rest with your arms wrapped securely around it. You must protect it, you are all it has and slowly it is becoming all you have as well.

Then one night you will be in bed and your lover will try to hold you and for the first time it will feel foreign to both of you. He just can't get close enough or seem to put his hands in the right place. It becomes uncomfortable. Your lover will turn and weep because he has forgotten how to hold you. You will turn and weep because you know that it is not him but because you have allowed it to lay between you.

Two things will happen the next day. Your lover will have his suitcase packed or you will pack your lovers suitcase. If you pack his suitcase there will be a goodbye and if you don't a goodbye still remains. You look from the corner of your eye to the comforting shaded figure and wonder if you can leave it. After all the reason it acts out and demands your attention is simple: it is a manifestation of every rotting and blooming fear inside of you. Living with it will be difficult and lonely but it will be familiar and, the most dangerous of words, comfortable. Saying goodbye to it will require you to allow your lover completely inside, to have him see you for the imperfect mess we all are and to single handedly murder your fears.

So, if you are wise, you will beg your lover to stay and he will agree and let you have your moment to say goodbye to it. You will draw a warm bath and invite it to join you. This is the only time it will concede to letting you see it's face. And what a hideous face it will be. The face is disfigured by doubt, wrinkled with rejection and invaded with tumors of self loathing that pulse from it's features. At first this will make it easier to do what you have to do but then the familiar warmth of his comfort will come over you. It will remind you that by allowing it to stay you will never have to face this again, never have to confront this bound flesh of fear.

You must be strong here and continue. You must guide its mangled face beneath the warm water and hold it there. When the struggle begins you will start to mourn your decision but you will continue and soon there will no longer be movement between your shaking hands. It is then that you will also sink but when you hit the bottom it will be next to the start of a path. A path that was created by fear but will eventually lead to what we all hope to find: the beating and bleeding heart of love.

warm weather makes me reckless.

"There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."

-Mae West

"If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody."

-J. D. Salinger

"Curve: the lovliest distance between two points."

-Mae West

Love, Rants & Raves

1. Celebrate Life. That is what I'm suggesting for you as well as me. In fact, let's talk about things we can celebrate.

2. Celebrate your body. Stop calling yourself a fat cow. Seriously, stop it. Right now. You're body is capable of some pretty incredible things and it really doesn't need your potty mouth constantly yelling at it while it's trying to get you through the day. Shame on you.

3. Celebrate your country. Be patriotic for a change. You don't have to go tattoo the American flag on your chest but maybe really pay attention to the words of the pledge and let your chest swell with some pride. Maybe let a soldier go in front of you in the grocery line or simply thank them for the risk they are taking or have taken on our behalf. Whether you agree with the war or not you should still have the decency to respect those who put their lives on the line for yours.

4. Celebrate our world! Spend the day outside and admire the weather, whatever it may be. Go on a walk and pick up any trash you find along the way. No one likes a litter bug! Maybe even get a little crazy and recycle what you find. Be kind to mama earth.

5. Celebrate the wonderful people in your life. Call someone who you know would love to hear from you, go take your Grandma some flowers or buy one of those 'just because it's Tuesday' cards and give it to your sweetheart. Maybe even take it step further and call that person up who needs your forgiveness or even more importantly needs an apology. Swill that big fat pill of pride and make room for a little warmth in your heart.

6. Celebrate your Faith! Go to church people. I really need to take my own advice on this one. We could seriously all use some Jesus in our lives.

7. Celebrate YOU! Be that sunshine you seek from others and start with making your own light. Smile because, thankfully, your body showed up to work today! Turn on a good song while you make dinner tonight and dance on those wondrous and capable feet of yours while you cook a hearty meal. Start your day out with loving yourself... this way you will be more capable of fully loving others.

"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it."

Eat Your Words

You always end up eating your words. Try and make them tasty.

There is no level of surprise when I stare at what lays on the plate before me. I knew they'd find their way back to me, they always do. My words. The very ones my tongue pushed forward and lips embraced in effort to release into this world, floating and awaiting judgement. I am sad to say each bite is not so savory. Only some bites seem to drip with the sweet juices that justify the barbaric gesture of licking your plate until it shines. Some of the words are pushed about the same way a 4 -year-old's fork dances around steamed broccoli. This dance can't last forever though. We all know you must eat your veggies before you are allowed to leave the table.

These words are tart and plentiful. Rigatoni of regret swirl about your fork seasoned with peppers of procrastination potent enough to make the nose run and eyes tear. But still they are swallowed and even choked down in efforts to satisfy the hunger. There is an emotional starvation within that needs to thrive and sadly when the sweet and savory run dry, like any starvation, you reach for what is available. Even the most rotted memories gain a level of appeal, anything to fill the greedy belly of the mind. Chunks that have been heavily marinated by the past are gratefully spooned into the forced openings of our being. And we will welcome these poisoned substances as if they were the sweetest of sugars because they have one purpose in common: They fill a place where there could potentially be nothing. And for reasons unknown we will fight to suck each drop of juice from the decomposing fruits that fall from the branches of the soul rather than taking the risk of feeling what it's really like to be fully empty.

Color Me Beautiful, Baby.

Oh, how easy it is to get down on yourself! Sometimes it honestly shocks me how comforting it is to slip into the easy chair of sorrow. Just a few weeks ago I decided to cut alcohol and refined sugars out of my life for 50 days. I just wanted to feel somewhat healthy for awhile.. Waking up with the stale taste of a long night in my mouth was just getting old. So I embarked on this little journey with as much determination as I could sweep up and prepared myself for change. The first week was hard. Seriously, hard. The sugar didn't really bother me, I'm a spicy/salty girl myself, it was the drinking.

You always hear that people who have substance abuse problems never think they have a problem. And those people are so silly because it's so obvious that they have problems, right? Maybe that line between okay and not is a little more blurred than I imagined. No, I'm not saying my life should be put on hold for rehab but I am okay with admitting if hadn't stopped when I did I was only a few bottles of Kettle One away from my personal invitation.

So, how did I recognize that I missed the booze a little too much? It was facing my daily emotions sober that really knocked me on my arse. I mean, who really cries sober? In my former opinion that was simply for the weak at heart. But there I was on day 4 without my most beloved friend Mr. Merlot and sure enough there were tears falling slowly and then furiously. This was the last thing I expected to happen as a result of cutting a few vices from my diet. If anything I thought I was going to lose a couple lbs in the process and be on my marry way to a congratulatory shopping spree. But there I was balling like a baby in sunset cast traffic. Awesome idea Charlotte.

But it was in fact an awesome idea. Because once you have a chance to mourn the all the shit that is going wrong in your life you are faced with another choice: pick that bottle up and drink that frown upside down or actually do something about it. I surprised myself and continued my non alcoholic (and sometimes painfully boring) journey. I layed out a plan for myself. I was going to face some serious fears. And I did! I was slowly flicking each stone that weighed down my chest and began to feel the heavy wheeze become a gasp for this increasing fresh air.

And then I failed. On day 24 I gave in to a very convincing red sangria. And you would think it was because I had had such a terrible day but no this was not the case at all. It was a gorgeous day and everyone around me couldn't help but notice that I was much lighter in a mental and physical sense. And this is when I assumed I was in control more quickly than I had expected. My reasoning? I had made it 24 days! I deserved just ONE drink, right? Ha. Silly me. One drink ended up only being four and I did have a great time. I was finally completely in control of me. I thought I had finally figured it all out. This was the Charlotte I loved and wanted to be and share with everyone around me. It was the next day when one turned into 10 that I knew I had thrown in the towel too soon.

That was two days ago and I cannot express to you how intense the emotional boxing match within has been. I became so angry with myself. And there is only one way to turn when the shame hits and that's to put a drink in my hand... but something stopped me today, a quote actually:

The next time you think about something wonderful, please don't forget yourself.

It was a much needed smack in the face. So I hit a big bump in my road and I could label it and add it to my list of failures or I could start a new list and entitle it Lessons. And I am doing just that. Lesson learned. Not one I'm proud of but it's not going to stop me from continuing to better myself. I have 24 hard earned clear thinking days under my belt and I'm not discounting them because of 2 kinda shitty ones. I was so afraid it would affect people's perceptions of what I was attempting; make them less proud of me. But you know what? I'm proud of me. I am damned proud of me and that is more than good enough for me. I have the control to pick out the colors and thoughts that will fill my days and today, and hopefully for many more to come, I choose the color beautiful.

Love, Rants & Raves

1. Invest in a really comfy pillow. Seriously, splurge on a luxurious ball of fluff to lay your head on when you hit the hay. Sleep is so precious and no good night should be spent on a scratchy pillowcase.

2. Go through your old photos. And I don't mean just a couple years back to your high school days so you can compare your younger body to the older version you now inhabit. I mean pull down those dusty boxes of your family and baby photos. Find pictures of your parents when the love was young and unsure, your mother cradling you for the first time and the arrival of younger siblings. Find your grandmother as a teenager, agile and sharp with a beaming smile of curiosity that your eyes will never have the pleasure of witnessing in person. Watch how their journeys have slowly paved the stepping stones to your own. After, life's heavy load may seem that much more bearable.

3. Cleanse your body. I know it's fun to be reckless but it's the only body you've got and it deserves some serious maintenance sometimes. So eat your veggies, drink some water and get some deep shut eye. Maybe get crazy and talk a walk after dinner. You can always return to your debaucherous ways.

4. Read a book. Do I really even need to justify that one?

5. Have a game board party. Seriously. Get your childhood favorites.. Whip out Connects Four, Candy Land, Guess who, Clue, Mouse Trap or a good old game of War... Whatever you loved playing when you were a wee one. You'd be surprised how fun it still is to partake in a fight to the death of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

6. Be kind to strangers. I know its sometimes hard to understand why some people are even allowed out of their homes but you don't know their story. So even if it is through gritting teeth, smile and wish them a good day. Help an old lady or overwhelmed mother with her groceries or give a kid a dollar to play the claw machine.Or offer a loved one to take their kids for a night so the parents can have a proper night on the town. I imagine there is nothing more refreshing for their love than to get drunk and make out in the backseat of their truck like they were the kids again. Just do your deed for the day. It's consistently rewarding.

7. Write someone a letter. Not an email or a text. A letter handwritten with scribbles and all. It will be less of a message and more of an extension of yourself. Even if it's just placed in your own mailbox for your spouse to find it will be a sweet relief tucked between the mean faced bills.

8. Love deeply, use everything in you to make it honest and, of course, love often.

"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."

-Leonard Cohen

One of my all time favorite quotes. Cradle your scars. They are the only evidence we have of a life that has faced fear and persevered.