Love, Rants & Raves (cuatro)

1. it's not impossible. stop being so dramatic. put on your big girl panties and deal.

2. forgive him. forget him. move on. but do each fully. half-assing any of these steps won't get you anywhere but back in his bed hating yourself.

3. stop ordering chicken fingers and fries. don't get me wrong - everyone needs a happy meal here and there. but if you are at a restaurant and what you ordered is just a larger portion of something on the kids menu you might as well just ask for crayons too. nothing is worse than a picky eater. no prize for you.

4. drink some wine with your BFF. i promise you'll feel better.

5. dress up for parties. i'm sure your new t-shirt and flippy floppies look awesome.... on the beach. don't be a slobby slob. they didn't buy invitations, decorate their home and cook all day to serve someone who just rolled out of bed. slip into a summer frock with some fabulous wedges and make a statement. that statement being that you actually take pride in the way you present yourself. your hostess will appreciate it. promise.

6. if someone has a baby that has the same name as your mutt of a dog please keep it to yourself. No one wants to hear you compare their heaven sent bundle to your booger-eyed poodle that you for some reason named Alexis. And if you have given your dog a middle or last name.... might wanna keep that on the DL too. or at least just don't tell me. i can't promise i won't judge.

7. find someone who has your same passion and has figured out a way to make a living doing it and drill them as much as they will allow. don't know anyone? search the biography section at your local book store. even Jenna Jameson has an interesting one. but hopefully your one desire in life is not to become a porn star.

8. if you are single and want to feel fresh then i suggest drastically changing your hair. nothing makes you feel like a new you more than coloring or chopping your three year old do. if you're in a relationship then obviously what your doing is working so continue. want him to break up with you? google Kate Gosselin 2008. that didn't work? well, i guess you'll have to pull a Britney. yikes.

9. take care of your pearly whites. even if they aren't straight they should at least be clean.

10. show gram and gramps some love. ask them about times in their lives when they didn't look like a prune and a cotton ball had a baby. you will be surprised to find out they were probably way cooler than we will ever be.

Love, Rants & Raves (tres)

So lately my posts have been pretty Debbie Downerish and fortunately I am finding it hard to write something gloomy on such a sunny day. It's definitely time for some Love, Rants & Raves for the summa summa time.

1. Some classic Snoop Dizzle will make any summer day twice as bright. So lean back the seat of your car, guide the steering wheel with one hand (10 and 2 is not very gangster) and Laaayyy back. Oh and go ahead and put your mind on your money and your money on your mind.

2. Plan an adult pool party. That's right, no kiddie pools allowed. Slab some steaks on the grill and indulge in your favorite sugar rimmed summer cocktail. Get tipsy. Get a tan. And have a drunken game of marco polo with your bestests.

3. Don't have a pool? Find out what neighbors are headed out of town for their summer vacation and offer to water their plants while they're gone. WAH-La - pool for you. Preferably ask a neighbor without a big stinky mutt in the backyard. If they do have a big stinky mutt go ahead and tell them it's all the rage in Paris to take your big stinky mutt on vacation with the family. Once the family and Beethoven are good and gone, get a little crazy and go skinny dipping at night... but don't do it in their pool. It's just mean to do it in the neighbors pool. Skinny dipping - Good. More than dipping - Not.

4. Find yourself a summer fling. What better way to spice up your summer? Just do yourself a favor and try and find one that has some respect for you and himself. This will help insure that you don't get the herps. No matter how cute the swimsuit is or how rockin' your bod happens to be, that all goes down the pooper when you have herpes of the mouth. So be smart poptart.

5. It's OK if your boy wants to wear flip flops in the summer... just make sure he takes care of his tootsies. I don't mean take him to your local mani/pedi shack for the summer foot package, just some basic grooming will do. If you can get your boy to get a pedicure with you then cool if you're into that. I'd personally rather not see my man nose deep in a US Weekly mag and pink separators between his toes.

6. If he continues to wear flip flops once summer is over... burn them. Seriously. Or don't be so dramatic and lock them up until next summer. However you do it just get rid of them. No excuses.

7. Make homemade iced lattes. I'm not saying this because you need to save money (let's be honest, who doesn't need to save money right now?) but because for third time in a row that I have used my right arm as payment for a venti latte they have not figured out how to put the lid on right. I almost lost it on the barista but he happened to be super gay and super adorable and I asked him if he would go shopping with me sometime instead. Way to take a stand.

8. Be a good friend! It sounds obvious but a lot of you are not being the B.F.F. you once promised to be. And if you think it's their fault because they are too busy for you, you could be wrong. Sometimes when a friend acts like they don't need their friends is when they need them most. So pick up a $5 latte (tell Rico I said heyyy) and take it to her work with an I love you B.F.F. note. Do this or surrender your LYLAS bracelet she gave you cause you have totally not been loving her like a sister.

9. Take your heart and mind and put them in separate rooms. Talk to them both. The mind will probably say it's sick of hearing the heart whine all the time and the heart thinks the mind has a problem listening but try your best to reason with them. Get them to kiss and make up. It's the only way to figure out what it is you really want and need to do.

In the Quiet

Since when did silence get so loud? I think I know when. It had to be around the time that the voices on the outside muted the one inside. When what they said what I needed became more relevant than the things I wanted to need. The only way I can avoid the quiet is to dive into the great pool of noise the outside world so willingly provides us. Beware, a strange security is offered here. Stay here when you can't bear to be in the quiet. You will never feel alone here because there are always others who need to be in this place too. You will find them backstroking in their past, free styling through their futures and butterflying away their dreams. Some are great swimmers of these waters and only allow themselves a few laps in their sorrows. Others stay wading and pruned in a state of wonder, grasping for the remaining memories of the dry land they was once crushed under their feet.

Dive. Get out. Stay.

Dive. Stay. Get Lost.

These are your options. It would seem a very simple choice if one were not so much more difficult than the other. Staying speeds up the process of becoming nothing more than a flash in time and leaving means you must keep the light burning to find your way. So have a steady hand when lifting yourself from these waters and a strong foot of balance. To be able to ignite the light's flame you will first need to dry your skin in the cold of the quiet.

Dry. Ignite. Live.

fixed in the heavens

One of the many gifts of growing up on a farm is the deep, dark blanket of a sky that awaits you each night. Witnessing my first shooting star felt liking catching a quick wink from heaven. There were many nights spent camping on the trampoline trying to fight sleep to wait for these little cosmic phenomenons. Sometimes I would create a list of the things I would like to wish for on my next shooting star.. longer hair, catching Santa in the act, a new pony.. There was always something worth wishing for. Although I don't think I ever used the list. There is something mystical about the moment you witness falling stars. The list seems to fade and God shines a quick light on your heart's true desire. All you can really do is marvel and pray He has read the one you hope for at night.

I still find myself searching for them and, yes, there is still quite a list of currents wishes. But now when a star falls i simply wink up at the sky. I know He's got a plan and I am more than ready to start building by using the very same tools that fixed the stars in the heavens.

Stage Life

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief in her 1969 book that was based on dealing with the loss of a loved one. She describes the five stages you will typically have to endure to get back on the path of a life with some promised normalcy. Reading them made me wonder if I could successfully apply these stages to other areas of my life. It took me a second to realize I had unknowingly been using these stages to prepare for the loss of something similar in importance: the loss of my greatest Fear. I happily discovered that I was not at the beginning of these stages or even in the middle but in fact I was rounding the corner to a long awaited finish line.

Stage 1: Denial
What a sweet and slow poison it is. You know you are in for trouble at this stage. It is a small challenge to fool another but to actually convince oneself that a lie has taken on the colors of truth is quite an accomplishment. You have covered your eyes and foolishly continue to describe your surroundings.

Stage 2: Anger
What do you expect? Of course you are angry, you've been tricked. What's worse is it was not the doing of an other's hand but your very own. You're gonna need to put the gloves on for this round.

Stage 3: Bargaining
This would be procrastination's BFF in my eyes. You are no longer upset but you're unsure that you really want to deal with it all. You finally see just how much work will go into fixing it and suddenly you don't seem to have the time. You begin busying yourself with being busy. There are no concrete results from this but you are sure to tire the same.

Stage 4: Depression
I believe most go through stages 1-3 more than once. You bargain yourself right back into the warm arms of denial. Once you have finally passed that stage you find yourself flat on the floor of stage 4. There seems to be so much time you have willingly wasted by trying overcome your fear. The sands of time have somehow escaped your fingers too quickly and you will feel the need to scrape for the remains. Dig too deep and you will find yourself buried.

Stage 5: Acceptance
You look back on the journey and no longer see mistakes but lessons. The fear was there and in moments you were consumed but never broken. Promise yourself that it was a part of who you were but will never determine who you are or will become. In this stage you must be able to see your reflection and know that you are going to be okay. But you will never complete this step until you truly believe that statement. "I'm going to be okay." And you wouldn't want to go fooling yourself now, would you? Because we all know that is the quickest path to the home of our old friend Denial.

Love, Rants & Raves (two)

1. Rub-a-dub-dub in your tub. Whip out the candles, Epsom salts, bubble bath and your rubber ducky. Get serious about your bath time. Send your boyfriend/hubby out for a beer with the boys (I'm sure he won't be too upset about that) and drop the kids off at your mommas house for a couple hours so you can make room for some you time. Turn on a sweet ass playlist and drink wine in your tub until you are a certified prune.

2. Skip the sale rack this week. I know, I know, times are tough, i get it. But you shouldn't underestimate the major self esteem boost that can be found in the zipper of a full priced ensemble. Still need to justify it? Just make it a classic piece. Don't bring home a $300 plum & navy striped skirt no matter how "amazing" & "totally hot right now" the dressing room guy says it is. No one is going to believe you when you claim you'll where it to your reunion that's 3 years away. Get real.

3. Stop ignoring your 'change oil soon' sign. No one hates waiting in that greasy waiting room watching Ricky Lake reruns and getting checked out by a real life Homer Simpson for 2 hours more than I do but you must endure this. It's just not worth effing up your car and having to sign half your life away in bills a few months later. I've learned the hard way so just take my word for it. This goes for brakes too. Nothing is more irritating than having your windows down while enjoying your it's-actually-not-blazing-hot-outside-thank-the-Lord playlist only to have someone pull up next to you with what sounds like 3 screeching kittens under their hood. Don't be the ruiner of the moment.

4. Repaint your nails or take off the paint all together. Yes, you. Look at that chipped blue nail polish. That's a big no no. I am guilty of this myself but am getting better. My mother always told me it was trashy and no one likes trash. This goes for the toes too. But try and keep those painted. There are very few people who can pull off the nude toe look.

5. Make a coffee date. Get crazy and order a venti and talk the afternoon away with a pal. Or go by yourself... just bring a journal or something to keep you occupied. There is nothing normal about having a conversation with yourself out loud... in public anyway.

6. Stop box coloring your hair. Just stop.

7. Write a sweet note in lipstick on the mirror for your lover buns to find. Be sure to kiss the mirror too. He just might invite you into his morning shower... & that would be a great way to start a sure to be crap filled Monday.

8. Love yourself. I know I say it all the time but I believe we can't be reminded enough of this. Sadly, it is so easily forgotten.

love, peace & chicken grease

and now we sink.

It starts by waking up out of breath one morning and you quickly get the feeling that you have lost something. You reach for your phone and it's there. You search for your keys, your favorite necklace, your purse, your wallet, a credit card and it's all where it should be. Even the dog is flopped down in his usual spot. But the feeling is still there.

So you begin to believe you've missed something. What day is it? Friday? What's the date? Is it some one's birthday? Was I supposed to mail out that bill yesterday? Is it my day to pick up the kids? Was there a meeting today? You tear through your schedule trying to pin down what it is that you've missed because you just know you've missed something... right? No, you have not missed anything. And when you realize that is when you feel it.

Nothing is lost and you have not forgotten to water the plants or call your boss. Instead of losing you have blindly gained something. It now feels as if there is someone following you. A presence you can't describe and only see when it thinks you are not looking, a quick glance from the corner of your eye. At first it feels like a stranger then becomes a stranger who you could swear you have met before and finally it will become apart of you. You take it in as an extension of yourself, making room for it at the dinner table, offering it a cigarette on your break, even making room in your bed so it's obscure being will have a place to rest. It will be on it's best behavior at first and you begin to think you can willingly adopt this thing into your life. But you will only think this at first.

It will begin to act out. It will leave sinks running, push plates of food from the dinner table and let the dog out the front door. You will start to blame those you love for it's actions. They will be the reason things are going wrong and you'll feel you are realizing it's been their fault all along. You begin to drift from the rest with your arms wrapped securely around it. You must protect it, you are all it has and slowly it is becoming all you have as well.

Then one night you will be in bed and your lover will try to hold you and for the first time it will feel foreign to both of you. He just can't get close enough or seem to put his hands in the right place. It becomes uncomfortable. Your lover will turn and weep because he has forgotten how to hold you. You will turn and weep because you know that it is not him but because you have allowed it to lay between you.

Two things will happen the next day. Your lover will have his suitcase packed or you will pack your lovers suitcase. If you pack his suitcase there will be a goodbye and if you don't a goodbye still remains. You look from the corner of your eye to the comforting shaded figure and wonder if you can leave it. After all the reason it acts out and demands your attention is simple: it is a manifestation of every rotting and blooming fear inside of you. Living with it will be difficult and lonely but it will be familiar and, the most dangerous of words, comfortable. Saying goodbye to it will require you to allow your lover completely inside, to have him see you for the imperfect mess we all are and to single handedly murder your fears.

So, if you are wise, you will beg your lover to stay and he will agree and let you have your moment to say goodbye to it. You will draw a warm bath and invite it to join you. This is the only time it will concede to letting you see it's face. And what a hideous face it will be. The face is disfigured by doubt, wrinkled with rejection and invaded with tumors of self loathing that pulse from it's features. At first this will make it easier to do what you have to do but then the familiar warmth of his comfort will come over you. It will remind you that by allowing it to stay you will never have to face this again, never have to confront this bound flesh of fear.

You must be strong here and continue. You must guide its mangled face beneath the warm water and hold it there. When the struggle begins you will start to mourn your decision but you will continue and soon there will no longer be movement between your shaking hands. It is then that you will also sink but when you hit the bottom it will be next to the start of a path. A path that was created by fear but will eventually lead to what we all hope to find: the beating and bleeding heart of love.