Friday, January 15, 2010

Bed Bugs

Isn't that the truth. I've struggled with sleep since I was a little girl. It is my favorite thing to do yet the hardest thing for me to attain. I've found that many people claim to understand saying, "Oh yeah, I know you're pain! I'm a total insomniac!" And I'm not upset that they say they are in the same boat as I am... This boat loves passengers! It is just such a letdown when I call my fellow "insomniacs" at an ungodly hour only to hear their voicemail and at that point I'm tempted to talk to the message machine. Maybe talk about how tonight I noticed that I hate the color of my sheets or if they know what brilliant person invented pillows or how my television is currently the most annoying person on the planet and unfortunately my only choice in company.. but then the voicemail would have to be heard by someone who wakes up well rested, sanity intact, and well, I really don't want to explain to them why I honestly don't need a therapist.

It's sad to say there are few I've encountered who can understand how this terrible curse (because at this point I feel that's what it is) is not so cool to have. It doesn't make me more mysterious or creative and (much to twilighter's dismay) it doesn't even make me a sexy vampire.  In fact, it leaves me with dark half moons under my eyes and a need for coffee like a newborn needs a bottle.  Although, my most creative ideas do run through my mind after midnight but I'm usually trying to convince myself I'm too tired to get out of bed to write them down. And if it were just one or two thoughts it would be no problem to remember them in the morning but the truth is my thoughts run rampant at night. It seems as if thousands dance on my memory, their footprints touching just light enough to keep me interested but not firm enough to leave imprints of their shadows.

Where did it start? I know exactly. It started with the dreams. Those awful and haunting dreams. I'm not even sure where they first stemmed from, all I know is that they planted a very dark flower. The most vivid scenes of hurt, hate and, worst of all, helplessness. The worst of them leave me momentarily paralyzed, unable to speak or move, almost a tug of war between the relief of reality and the dread of being pulled back into the darkness. I know it sounds dramatic but if you have experienced this pull you know that this is explaining the battle lightly.

So, what to do? Pills. That's always the answer, right? Well, no thank you. I believe my mind, body and soul are just as strong as any 'I get awsome sleep' sleepers and are perfectly capable of winning this fight. Pills will simply numb the conscious and send me into dreamless black sheets, followed by unforgiving rays of light tapping on my window. To me, these battles are within and as real as the nights they claim. I've learned to deal and will keep doing so. Besides, some nights I am blessed with a dream of beauty and inspiration.. and they offer more healing and promise than any nightmare could ever intimidate.

Sleep tight; don't let the bed bugs bite.


  1. I enjoyed this post very much :)

  2. ahh well i think i am just nocturnal, ive been trying to fix my sleep pattern lately but just end up lying in bed for hours on end ><

  3. I feel you. Daytime is the best time to sleep. People should come alive at night if you ask me.

  4. you've been lucky enough to "follow" the right blog. i'm glad you started to follow me. because i read this post about your insomnia..

    i am a naturopathic practitioner .. soon to be a naturopathic doctor. so i'm gonna try to help you SLEEP! sleep is soooo good.

    drink rooibos tea . its been found to help with insomnia& disturbed sleeping has no caffeine and has a relaxing effect on the central nervous system.
    it is a relaxing sedative, it helps with nervous tension.

    also.. don't eat 3 hours before bed. but if you have to eat. eat a banana. bananas are calming and actually help people sleep. strange right? considering we eat them in the morning.. crazy.

    and you can control your dreams. you can "teach yourself to dream" there is actually a book called just that. its pretty AWESOME.

    i love sleep so much. i love the darkness. sleeping in the day time is so difficult. with the light trying to make its way beyond my eyelids. red is not a relaxing color to sleep to. pitch black darkness is the best thing to 'see' when sleeping. keep that in mind..

  5. Wow, Cassandra.. what incredible advice! It's so nice to see that you're passionate about your work & it really shows! Best of luck to your career, any success will be well deserved. And here I thought I had heard it all, can't wait to try the tea and read the book. thanks again :)

  6. Hey, thanks for following my blog! [: I don't think I have insomnia, I think I just lack the ability to get to sleep any time before 2 am... there's just too much to do and to think about! But either way, it lands me with constant dark circles under my eyes as well. Not fun! And I have issues swallowing pills, so if I wanted to take sleeping pills that's not really an option :P But I hope that tonight will be a night of good dreams!

  7. Thank you Natalie, I appreciate it <3

  8. Demons.... yikes....
    I can sympathize. Sometimes you just have to wake up and invite the demons to have a slice of peanut butter bread and milk with you.

    Keep writing! I will keep reading!

  9. Oh man, I feel you on this. So many people I know think they are insomniacs. They're like, "I went to bed at midnight". Seriously, "I went to bed at four and laid there awake for at least an hour before slowly drifting off and waiting in a waking dream for the alarm to ring at seven, then I woke up at six thirty because my brain sucks."

    It really sucks.