Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Love, Rants & Raves: Summer Edition

1. Summer has arrived.  All girls with cute feet and newly graduated Jenny Craig's rejoice.  All gals with more to love and pterodactyl toes.. well.. get creative.  October weather and closed toe shoes are only 5 months away.  Yikes.

2.  Ladies, ladies, ladies.  Your bikini is way cute and I totally agree that trendy neon shades look fab on you! BUT your bathroom mirror look-at-me-i-didn't-eat-lunch-must-post-to-facebook-pic allowance is one before you can't blame the world for judging.  So choose wisely.  After that make some girlfriends hop in the pic with you or at least set your timer outside and pretend someone else thought you looked so good they couldn't resist the shot.  Your secret is safe with me.

3.  We get it.  It is hot as blazing balls outside.  That doesn't make it okay for you to post a shot of your car's thermometer and expect it to be interesting.  I'm checking facebook while driving for crying out loud and I really don't appreciate you making me risk my life with a picture I've been trying to ignore all day.  If you want to express how hot is in an entertaining way then post a picture of your sweat-stache.  Hilarious.  

4.  If you spray tan please do yourself a favor and spend the extra four dollars and seven cents to buy the disposable flip-flops.  Otherwise it looks like a cluster of unfortunate birthmarks are covering your feet. . might be a deal breaker for the doucher who previously offered you free vodka in his cabana.  

5.  With the heat comes highlights which really can look great and even brighten your whole summer.  However, box bleaching the living hell out of your already thirsty strands will not gain you more fun or a boyfriend no matter what Cosmo says.  Blondes may have more fun but bleached out frizz-balls get made fun of.. and bald prematurely.  If that's your idea of good time then more power to you.  Frost and Glow away.

6.  Don't tell your friend who has obviously lost the battle with carbs that one piece swimsuits are really in style and you yourself have even been contemplating trading in your teeny-weeny bikini for one.  It's a nice way of being rude and that's the worst kind.  You wore petal pasties and a thong made of glitter to the lake last Summer.  No one believes you.

Sunshine & Good Times to You,

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Love, Rants & Raves

1.  Secrets don't make friends. . Unless you aren't around friends who can't know the secret.  Then they make great friends.

2. So what if your fellow employee (who you have helped out a time too many) is going to give you the cold shoulder for not switching them a solid shift. You work hard.  Keep your Friday night.  I promise they will be able to reschedule their dog's acupuncture appointment.

3.  Blow on  your hot liquids/foods before devouring them!  I know you're starving and tired but, hopefully, whatever you are consuming is not going to grow legs and run away from you if you let it sit for two minutes.  A burnt tongue is the 187th worst thing that can happen to you in the world! ..according to a study created and performed by me. 

4.  If it's past noon and you are still in bed and you don't have a hang over... Well, then you need a serious to-do list.  Or a therapist.  Either way, just get out of bed.

5.  Returning to an X after you break up with someone or are broken up with is kind of a deep burn.  If you are the breaker-upper who returned to your X then you should fully expect and be okay with just one swift kick to the balls or punch in the boob.  But if you are the X they returned to then you have unlimited permission to yell out variations of 'Burn!' like an 11-year-old the first few times you see the former X.  You only have a couple of times you're allowed to do this without looking insecure so get creative and be discreet.  A blackened eggo waffle on their doorstep should do the trick.  Make it the cinnamon kind so you seem sweet.

6.  If you don't eat meat, smoke or drink alcohol let me just say congratulations and more power to you.  But if you remind me that you don't one more time, I am going to find a way to sneak a pig's foot, second hand smoke (the worst kind, gasp!) and a shot of bourbon into your vegan brownie.  So back off and let me slowly deteriorate my body in peace.

7.  I know she sucks and you wish she'd move to Zimbabwe and live in a hut with no communication to the modern world BUT she's not going to.  In fact, she's probably going to stick around forever so deal.  Don't be a sourpuss in the corner when she shows up and more importantly don't become obviously obnoxious.  If you don't typically have a "knee slapper" kind of laugh when she's not around then don't develop one when she enters the room to prove how much fun you're having.  No one is going to believe you are having the time of your life at Applebee's.  It's not even happy hour and you're paying full price for boxed wine.  Pull yourself together.

8.  And I swear if you request 'Red Solo Cup' in my jukebox one more time. . . 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Blush the Enemy

They say you wear your heart on your sleeve, well baby, I keep yours in the pocket of my jeans
I can rinse you out of my hair and even scrub you from my skin
But you seem to show up every time I'm prepared to let someone else in
They say the right things and even root for my favorite teams 
But still I feel like a traitor resting on their worn blue seams
They say we're wrong and I start to believe they're right 
Then why does my stomach sink at the thought of flight
I sit in the corner breathless and at times welcome our death
But how can there be much of a life beyond this
I'd like to measure that faint line that claims to separate love and ha-- No, I won't say it, I refuse 
Refuse to believe that loath can be weaved even from the smallest cloth of love that has passed, or worse, crashed
So I continue to mend and glue the tears in this blanket we make love beneath
Wincing when the light of truth creeps in between the sheets
Hold me, hold me how can you resist when my wounds seep through clenched fists
That life over there may be mine 
But why then can I only see yours which awaits right behind 
Set me free, set me free
It's when you can't hear this that resentment covers the pulling silence that forces you closer to me
Blame, blame, who's to blame
You who remodels the same game endlessly or is it me  
Me, the one who is too afraid of the life that waits when your comforting arms move
Allowing me hit these virgin knees
Do I have what it takes to defeat the most harrowing enemy
After all, it's not you
It is me.