Friday, February 19, 2010

"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."
-Leonard Cohen
One of my all time favorite quotes. Cradle your scars. They are the only evidence we have of a life that has faced fear and persevered.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lace Yourself with Love

If you were to get a glimpse into my bedroom on a night a little more than a year ago you would most likely have witness a scene that became my lovely ritual for some time. My favorite black candle would be lit, a lip stamped wine glass on the nightstand, the stereo crooning and i would be wrapped in some sort of black satin or lace concoction... Probably waiting for someone to come over, right? Hardly.
One part of the scene I left out is that I was usually surrounded by books, pads of paper and pencils. This was my way of indulging in Me Time. And I suppose it usually included what a lot of women's me time does: bath, candles, wine, books, music... The only thing a little different in mine was that the lingerie was just as important, sometimes more, than any candle lit or wine sipped. And lately my me time has been spent in a variation of random t-shirts that I have no idea how I've managed to acquire (we all have a few of those) and mismatching socks. It wasn't until I picked up the recent Victoria's Secret catalogue that I remembered how much I had enjoyed dressing up for myself. Maybe I'm just crazy but I really did love it. It brought an entirely different level of indulgence into the picture. The best part? When you grow tired of reading your self-help books in bed just get up and put your favorite pumps on, transfer the tunes to the kitchen and dance while you drizzle some chocolate over that Ben & Jerry's. It may sound a little self-indulgent but this is called 'me time' right? And I promise after a night like this the sway in your hips the next day will have the whole office wondering what glorious adventures took place at your pad the night before.
And if all that just sounds like too much then just try sleeping in something slinky once in awhile. Yes, even if you're single (a plus is it usually sets the tone for some unforgettable dreams). And if you're attached? Well, just tell your boyfriend I said you're welcome and I'd be more than happy to accept thank you gifts : )
Here are a couple of my fave songs to set the mood:
Feelin Love- Paula Cole
Give it to Me right - Melanie Fiona
Addicted- Saving Abel
exes & ohs

Monday, February 15, 2010

Anyone But You

You are not welcome here. This is a land designed from the fragile fabric of my fears and desires that I am only permitted to visit when my clouded mind hits a sullen pillow. There are many places where I don't have any control over your presence but I have to insist that this is not one of them. I demand to know who let you in.
You probably believe you have every right to be here. That's so like you. Always accepting the credit before doing the work. And for all to long I believed in this alluring ethic. You asked all the questions and i too quickly let the answers dance from my tongue. I should have seen that you were storing them in that place inside of you that gave you permission to label them to be your own. I provided the seeds, the holes were in our souls and together our tears watered that garden of deception. You handed me a blindfold of promises and quickly plucked each dark flower and left me with rotting stems. When the promises finally ran out and the blindfold slipped from my naive eyes, you were already long gone, only leaving a trail of wilting petals and lies.
I am to blame. I want you to know this. I handed you that key to every room of my being and silently witnessed you take hold of any hope that dared to attempt flight inside. That is the shame I still carry and beg to leave me be each night. I struggle with it the most in the land my dreams lay me down upon. To see that someone has allowed you to step foot on this soil is almost enough to send me back to that vulnerable state you so sweetly carved out for me. And just when you begin to walk towards me holding out those beautiful lies something tells me to reach into my pocket. This is when I pull out a mass tangle of roots dusted in soil and am reminded of the strength I should have known was always there. They are the roots from our disheveled garden and they finally belong to me and only me. You may have escaped with the first bloom but soon people will start to notice the increasing bruises on the veins of the petals followed by their demise. And when they request more of these flowered creations you will look to my flourishing garden only to find that the wall around it has been rebuilt. The bricks are now held together by the strength you always feared I would discover I had within me. I will meet you at the gate of my garden and hand you a seed of thanks for being the first to successfully break me. And it is not until you have been broken that you can see each piece of yourself and learn how to abandon the fear of the cracks that may show once put back together.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Fading Soldiers

This is a picture of me and my 20 year old younger brother David Lee Crow. David Lee is a talented artist, musician and writer and will be the new guest blogger for WastedYoungHearts. This is his first entry and we are going to try and make it a monthly contribution to my blog so show him some love. Let me just express how immensely proud I am of the incredible artist he has become. I love you David Lee.

Every single day, millions of people wake up and put on their man suits. Armys of these robots sit at the designated quarters in
their self-assigned beehive tap tap tapping away at their worker keyboards, blank faced and staring dully forward calculating their days work.
A life-time ritual lived on auto pilot.
A sadistic scheme created and instilled in the minds of the mediocre by the rich and wealthy.
Honestly; how does one grow in a world of such cultured vibrancy and surreal wonder,
A world with a consistent vibe beating through the ages and constantly leaving its trace on the mind
through memories, the present moment, and that which has yet to have happened and STILL slowly become something that
represents everything that is opposite?
We are all canvases, the choices we make and events that occur in our lives decorate our inner and outer image with splattered paint and penciled precision, elegantly exposed and beautiful in our own ways.
With an overwhelming 6 billion people breathing right now at this very moment, I am forced to assume that it is simply the destiny
of many to carry a blank canvas. To exist as a tool, a gear in the machine of humanity and to forever live unaware of the intoxicating
emotion of truly feeling free and infinite.
To have never come to that point in their life in which they will have reached a climaxing realization of potential and ability
that devastates and destroys all negative thoughts and emotions that ever had a slight chance of conquering their goals.
For those who do have this, they are the creators, the composers of their own orchestras, the aspiring and the inspired who
wield this weapon of possibility with confidence and proof. This weapon I speak of is passion, its ammunition is love, and the
battlefield in which it is fired is our lives. With that being said, good luck soldier.

Here are the links to David Lee's music & art projects:,,

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

In the Name of Love

The dreaded day is coming people. February 14, 2010 is just around the corner. And it seems that most the blogs I have read are doing some pretty heavy bashing on poor ol' Mr. V-day. For the past few years the day of lovers seems to have become the day for people to hate people who have lovers. What a shame.

This Valentine's Day I am going to have the same valentine for the second year in a row and couldn't be more excited. You might be thinking this is the reason I still have mad love for this corny holiday but that is not true. I strutted in the single pumps for a very long time. Some years I did have dates on v-day but it was never with a boyfriend and that's just not the same. In fact I didn't have my first real boyfriend until last year. I was way more interested in partying and friends to be bothered by some high school boy that had most likely already slept with one of my friends and would just try to tie me down for 2 of my 4 years of high school. No thank you. This year I am celebrating a love that I patiently waited for and I believe is well deserved.

I can't lie, there were definitely v-days where my heart felt like a small pincushion and every bouquet of flowers without my name on it was one more sewing needle pushed right in but I never resented their love. I've even been in the position of poor Gretchen Wieners when even Glenn CoCo received a candy gram and I sat empty handed. I still rooted for him. You go Glenn CoCo. What I'm really trying to say is there are ways of celebrating the day of love without staring into the eyes of another over a candle lit dinner. Think about it - it's the day of LOVE not just lovers. And I assume it is pretty safe to say we all have many forms of love in our lives. Remember how fantastic it felt to receive those little store bought valentines in your classroom v-day mailbox? Even if it was just from your best friend or the boy who sat in the back row and picked his nose it still made you feel pretty damn special. So go pick up a box of Hannah Montana valentines and check off the names on your 'special to me' list. Or get real cheesy and whip out the glitter, construction paper and doilies and make your Grandma something she can stick on the fridge. So what if you're 25... In her eyes you'll always be her baby girl.
Another timeless way to celebrate this day is with your fellow single ladies. Cook a fabulous meal, rock out to some Beyonce, drink too much wine and man bash all night! You can celebrate your hate for men as long as you are also celebrating the joy of friendship! And if you are completely desperate for some action on v-day just make out with one of your girlfriends and the next day blame it on all the vino you guys drank. Harmless, really.
My point is you can choose to make it a day that shines a light on your unoccupied side of the bed or you can just make it a day of love in general. Curl up on the couch with a friend, family member or beloved pet (even if it is a goldfish) and watch the notebook over a box of tissues. Just make it a point to laugh through those tears and remember there really is a Noah out there for you somewhere although, let's be honest, probably not quite as perfect but that's okay cause there is a reason he is a movie character. Simply try to fill your day with chocolate, flowers and love! Even if you don't need the calories, ordered the flowers on your own and are simply working on loving yourself.
Happy Valentine's Day.

Monday, February 8, 2010

i wear entirely too much black

This should be my room.

& this is basically my wardrobe.

Dracula much? i think so.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Lay with Me

I woke up like that again this morning. My eyes parted without reason. No alarm or disruption. Just the eerie feeling that comes when waking from a dreamless sleep. For me this is worse than any nightmare. It's too similar to being put under before an operation. A black sheet falls over your mind and for awhile you do not exist in either known world. You simply experience the paralyzing realization of nothingness.

I crawled outside of myself and stood at the foot of my bed staring at the girl laying on my pillow. She seemed unfamiliar. She looked like me... pale skin with a few misplaced freckles on her body, chestnut roots fighting vast strands of blond hair loosely held back by a half tied red bow and half moons of eyeliner below her lids the result of another late night I'm sure. I stood there examining her the way you would examine a picture of a picture and for the first time in far too long I felt for her. Not a feeling of remorse or pity but a feeling comparable to finally remembering the name of an old friend you ran into or when you remember what you had wanted to say when you were sure you had forgotten. I suppose I just recognized her. As tempting as it was at first to just walk out the door and start new, I couldn't leave her laying there with her fists curled beneath her chin and bruised knee peeking out of a sea of covers. I was there to stay. I crawled right back beside her and placed my hands over hers and felt her battle ready fists slowly melt into my own.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Edge of it All

“I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.”

-Kurt Vonnegut

When you read this quote from the late yet brilliant Mr. Vonnegut don’t be surprised if for a few moments the way you view the present suddenly shifts. In those moments there is an intoxicating combination of panic and delight that runs through your veins faster than any dirty martini could dream. A fever for adventure sears your skin and you can almost swear that Kurt Vonnegut himself has given you the long awaited permission of living the life you’ve always desired. You can already see your windows rolled down, suitcase packed, regrets in the rearview and an unending pavement of promise. You don’t care where you are going as long as it allows you to escape the center and dance along the edge.

As beautiful and enticing as this vision sounds, reality will quickly smack you in the face. What about children, your husband or boyfriend? And then there is always mothers, fathers, siblings, friends, careers and let’s not forget the dog (or kitty if you’re anything like me.) And all at once, as vivid and real as this scene seemed only seconds ago, it becomes equally impossible. You may begin to sulk but that packed bag and open road is quickly abandoned with something as simple and beautiful as your daughter’s laugh, a lover’s embrace or wine with an old friend. You soon realize there is immense beauty hidden all throughout the center of your world. Life on the edge will just have to wait. Or does it?

The reason I started this book club was so that I could not only look over the edge but so that I would be able to take you with me. I wanted a group to be able to witness the lives and trials of colorful and dark characters alike and not only for our entertainment but for our benefit. To improve or to rediscover ourselves through the turns we make when slipping into the shoes of another. To ask ourselves what choices we will make in the world that lies in these pages. And most importantly, who will stop at the edge and who will simply keep walking.