Color Me Beautiful, Baby.

Oh, how easy it is to get down on yourself! Sometimes it honestly shocks me how comforting it is to slip into the easy chair of sorrow. Just a few weeks ago I decided to cut alcohol and refined sugars out of my life for 50 days. I just wanted to feel somewhat healthy for awhile.. Waking up with the stale taste of a long night in my mouth was just getting old. So I embarked on this little journey with as much determination as I could sweep up and prepared myself for change. The first week was hard. Seriously, hard. The sugar didn't really bother me, I'm a spicy/salty girl myself, it was the drinking.

You always hear that people who have substance abuse problems never think they have a problem. And those people are so silly because it's so obvious that they have problems, right? Maybe that line between okay and not is a little more blurred than I imagined. No, I'm not saying my life should be put on hold for rehab but I am okay with admitting if hadn't stopped when I did I was only a few bottles of Kettle One away from my personal invitation.

So, how did I recognize that I missed the booze a little too much? It was facing my daily emotions sober that really knocked me on my arse. I mean, who really cries sober? In my former opinion that was simply for the weak at heart. But there I was on day 4 without my most beloved friend Mr. Merlot and sure enough there were tears falling slowly and then furiously. This was the last thing I expected to happen as a result of cutting a few vices from my diet. If anything I thought I was going to lose a couple lbs in the process and be on my marry way to a congratulatory shopping spree. But there I was balling like a baby in sunset cast traffic. Awesome idea Charlotte.

But it was in fact an awesome idea. Because once you have a chance to mourn the all the shit that is going wrong in your life you are faced with another choice: pick that bottle up and drink that frown upside down or actually do something about it. I surprised myself and continued my non alcoholic (and sometimes painfully boring) journey. I layed out a plan for myself. I was going to face some serious fears. And I did! I was slowly flicking each stone that weighed down my chest and began to feel the heavy wheeze become a gasp for this increasing fresh air.

And then I failed. On day 24 I gave in to a very convincing red sangria. And you would think it was because I had had such a terrible day but no this was not the case at all. It was a gorgeous day and everyone around me couldn't help but notice that I was much lighter in a mental and physical sense. And this is when I assumed I was in control more quickly than I had expected. My reasoning? I had made it 24 days! I deserved just ONE drink, right? Ha. Silly me. One drink ended up only being four and I did have a great time. I was finally completely in control of me. I thought I had finally figured it all out. This was the Charlotte I loved and wanted to be and share with everyone around me. It was the next day when one turned into 10 that I knew I had thrown in the towel too soon.

That was two days ago and I cannot express to you how intense the emotional boxing match within has been. I became so angry with myself. And there is only one way to turn when the shame hits and that's to put a drink in my hand... but something stopped me today, a quote actually:

The next time you think about something wonderful, please don't forget yourself.

It was a much needed smack in the face. So I hit a big bump in my road and I could label it and add it to my list of failures or I could start a new list and entitle it Lessons. And I am doing just that. Lesson learned. Not one I'm proud of but it's not going to stop me from continuing to better myself. I have 24 hard earned clear thinking days under my belt and I'm not discounting them because of 2 kinda shitty ones. I was so afraid it would affect people's perceptions of what I was attempting; make them less proud of me. But you know what? I'm proud of me. I am damned proud of me and that is more than good enough for me. I have the control to pick out the colors and thoughts that will fill my days and today, and hopefully for many more to come, I choose the color beautiful.