Love, Rants & Raves (two)

1. Rub-a-dub-dub in your tub. Whip out the candles, Epsom salts, bubble bath and your rubber ducky. Get serious about your bath time. Send your boyfriend/hubby out for a beer with the boys (I'm sure he won't be too upset about that) and drop the kids off at your mommas house for a couple hours so you can make room for some you time. Turn on a sweet ass playlist and drink wine in your tub until you are a certified prune.

2. Skip the sale rack this week. I know, I know, times are tough, i get it. But you shouldn't underestimate the major self esteem boost that can be found in the zipper of a full priced ensemble. Still need to justify it? Just make it a classic piece. Don't bring home a $300 plum & navy striped skirt no matter how "amazing" & "totally hot right now" the dressing room guy says it is. No one is going to believe you when you claim you'll where it to your reunion that's 3 years away. Get real.

3. Stop ignoring your 'change oil soon' sign. No one hates waiting in that greasy waiting room watching Ricky Lake reruns and getting checked out by a real life Homer Simpson for 2 hours more than I do but you must endure this. It's just not worth effing up your car and having to sign half your life away in bills a few months later. I've learned the hard way so just take my word for it. This goes for brakes too. Nothing is more irritating than having your windows down while enjoying your it's-actually-not-blazing-hot-outside-thank-the-Lord playlist only to have someone pull up next to you with what sounds like 3 screeching kittens under their hood. Don't be the ruiner of the moment.

4. Repaint your nails or take off the paint all together. Yes, you. Look at that chipped blue nail polish. That's a big no no. I am guilty of this myself but am getting better. My mother always told me it was trashy and no one likes trash. This goes for the toes too. But try and keep those painted. There are very few people who can pull off the nude toe look.

5. Make a coffee date. Get crazy and order a venti and talk the afternoon away with a pal. Or go by yourself... just bring a journal or something to keep you occupied. There is nothing normal about having a conversation with yourself out loud... in public anyway.

6. Stop box coloring your hair. Just stop.

7. Write a sweet note in lipstick on the mirror for your lover buns to find. Be sure to kiss the mirror too. He just might invite you into his morning shower... & that would be a great way to start a sure to be crap filled Monday.

8. Love yourself. I know I say it all the time but I believe we can't be reminded enough of this. Sadly, it is so easily forgotten.

love, peace & chicken grease

and now we sink.

It starts by waking up out of breath one morning and you quickly get the feeling that you have lost something. You reach for your phone and it's there. You search for your keys, your favorite necklace, your purse, your wallet, a credit card and it's all where it should be. Even the dog is flopped down in his usual spot. But the feeling is still there.

So you begin to believe you've missed something. What day is it? Friday? What's the date? Is it some one's birthday? Was I supposed to mail out that bill yesterday? Is it my day to pick up the kids? Was there a meeting today? You tear through your schedule trying to pin down what it is that you've missed because you just know you've missed something... right? No, you have not missed anything. And when you realize that is when you feel it.

Nothing is lost and you have not forgotten to water the plants or call your boss. Instead of losing you have blindly gained something. It now feels as if there is someone following you. A presence you can't describe and only see when it thinks you are not looking, a quick glance from the corner of your eye. At first it feels like a stranger then becomes a stranger who you could swear you have met before and finally it will become apart of you. You take it in as an extension of yourself, making room for it at the dinner table, offering it a cigarette on your break, even making room in your bed so it's obscure being will have a place to rest. It will be on it's best behavior at first and you begin to think you can willingly adopt this thing into your life. But you will only think this at first.

It will begin to act out. It will leave sinks running, push plates of food from the dinner table and let the dog out the front door. You will start to blame those you love for it's actions. They will be the reason things are going wrong and you'll feel you are realizing it's been their fault all along. You begin to drift from the rest with your arms wrapped securely around it. You must protect it, you are all it has and slowly it is becoming all you have as well.

Then one night you will be in bed and your lover will try to hold you and for the first time it will feel foreign to both of you. He just can't get close enough or seem to put his hands in the right place. It becomes uncomfortable. Your lover will turn and weep because he has forgotten how to hold you. You will turn and weep because you know that it is not him but because you have allowed it to lay between you.

Two things will happen the next day. Your lover will have his suitcase packed or you will pack your lovers suitcase. If you pack his suitcase there will be a goodbye and if you don't a goodbye still remains. You look from the corner of your eye to the comforting shaded figure and wonder if you can leave it. After all the reason it acts out and demands your attention is simple: it is a manifestation of every rotting and blooming fear inside of you. Living with it will be difficult and lonely but it will be familiar and, the most dangerous of words, comfortable. Saying goodbye to it will require you to allow your lover completely inside, to have him see you for the imperfect mess we all are and to single handedly murder your fears.

So, if you are wise, you will beg your lover to stay and he will agree and let you have your moment to say goodbye to it. You will draw a warm bath and invite it to join you. This is the only time it will concede to letting you see it's face. And what a hideous face it will be. The face is disfigured by doubt, wrinkled with rejection and invaded with tumors of self loathing that pulse from it's features. At first this will make it easier to do what you have to do but then the familiar warmth of his comfort will come over you. It will remind you that by allowing it to stay you will never have to face this again, never have to confront this bound flesh of fear.

You must be strong here and continue. You must guide its mangled face beneath the warm water and hold it there. When the struggle begins you will start to mourn your decision but you will continue and soon there will no longer be movement between your shaking hands. It is then that you will also sink but when you hit the bottom it will be next to the start of a path. A path that was created by fear but will eventually lead to what we all hope to find: the beating and bleeding heart of love.

warm weather makes me reckless.

"There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."

-Mae West

"If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody."

-J. D. Salinger

"Curve: the lovliest distance between two points."

-Mae West

Love, Rants & Raves

1. Celebrate Life. That is what I'm suggesting for you as well as me. In fact, let's talk about things we can celebrate.

2. Celebrate your body. Stop calling yourself a fat cow. Seriously, stop it. Right now. You're body is capable of some pretty incredible things and it really doesn't need your potty mouth constantly yelling at it while it's trying to get you through the day. Shame on you.

3. Celebrate your country. Be patriotic for a change. You don't have to go tattoo the American flag on your chest but maybe really pay attention to the words of the pledge and let your chest swell with some pride. Maybe let a soldier go in front of you in the grocery line or simply thank them for the risk they are taking or have taken on our behalf. Whether you agree with the war or not you should still have the decency to respect those who put their lives on the line for yours.

4. Celebrate our world! Spend the day outside and admire the weather, whatever it may be. Go on a walk and pick up any trash you find along the way. No one likes a litter bug! Maybe even get a little crazy and recycle what you find. Be kind to mama earth.

5. Celebrate the wonderful people in your life. Call someone who you know would love to hear from you, go take your Grandma some flowers or buy one of those 'just because it's Tuesday' cards and give it to your sweetheart. Maybe even take it step further and call that person up who needs your forgiveness or even more importantly needs an apology. Swill that big fat pill of pride and make room for a little warmth in your heart.

6. Celebrate your Faith! Go to church people. I really need to take my own advice on this one. We could seriously all use some Jesus in our lives.

7. Celebrate YOU! Be that sunshine you seek from others and start with making your own light. Smile because, thankfully, your body showed up to work today! Turn on a good song while you make dinner tonight and dance on those wondrous and capable feet of yours while you cook a hearty meal. Start your day out with loving yourself... this way you will be more capable of fully loving others.

"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it."

Eat Your Words

You always end up eating your words. Try and make them tasty.

There is no level of surprise when I stare at what lays on the plate before me. I knew they'd find their way back to me, they always do. My words. The very ones my tongue pushed forward and lips embraced in effort to release into this world, floating and awaiting judgement. I am sad to say each bite is not so savory. Only some bites seem to drip with the sweet juices that justify the barbaric gesture of licking your plate until it shines. Some of the words are pushed about the same way a 4 -year-old's fork dances around steamed broccoli. This dance can't last forever though. We all know you must eat your veggies before you are allowed to leave the table.

These words are tart and plentiful. Rigatoni of regret swirl about your fork seasoned with peppers of procrastination potent enough to make the nose run and eyes tear. But still they are swallowed and even choked down in efforts to satisfy the hunger. There is an emotional starvation within that needs to thrive and sadly when the sweet and savory run dry, like any starvation, you reach for what is available. Even the most rotted memories gain a level of appeal, anything to fill the greedy belly of the mind. Chunks that have been heavily marinated by the past are gratefully spooned into the forced openings of our being. And we will welcome these poisoned substances as if they were the sweetest of sugars because they have one purpose in common: They fill a place where there could potentially be nothing. And for reasons unknown we will fight to suck each drop of juice from the decomposing fruits that fall from the branches of the soul rather than taking the risk of feeling what it's really like to be fully empty.

Color Me Beautiful, Baby.

Oh, how easy it is to get down on yourself! Sometimes it honestly shocks me how comforting it is to slip into the easy chair of sorrow. Just a few weeks ago I decided to cut alcohol and refined sugars out of my life for 50 days. I just wanted to feel somewhat healthy for awhile.. Waking up with the stale taste of a long night in my mouth was just getting old. So I embarked on this little journey with as much determination as I could sweep up and prepared myself for change. The first week was hard. Seriously, hard. The sugar didn't really bother me, I'm a spicy/salty girl myself, it was the drinking.

You always hear that people who have substance abuse problems never think they have a problem. And those people are so silly because it's so obvious that they have problems, right? Maybe that line between okay and not is a little more blurred than I imagined. No, I'm not saying my life should be put on hold for rehab but I am okay with admitting if hadn't stopped when I did I was only a few bottles of Kettle One away from my personal invitation.

So, how did I recognize that I missed the booze a little too much? It was facing my daily emotions sober that really knocked me on my arse. I mean, who really cries sober? In my former opinion that was simply for the weak at heart. But there I was on day 4 without my most beloved friend Mr. Merlot and sure enough there were tears falling slowly and then furiously. This was the last thing I expected to happen as a result of cutting a few vices from my diet. If anything I thought I was going to lose a couple lbs in the process and be on my marry way to a congratulatory shopping spree. But there I was balling like a baby in sunset cast traffic. Awesome idea Charlotte.

But it was in fact an awesome idea. Because once you have a chance to mourn the all the shit that is going wrong in your life you are faced with another choice: pick that bottle up and drink that frown upside down or actually do something about it. I surprised myself and continued my non alcoholic (and sometimes painfully boring) journey. I layed out a plan for myself. I was going to face some serious fears. And I did! I was slowly flicking each stone that weighed down my chest and began to feel the heavy wheeze become a gasp for this increasing fresh air.

And then I failed. On day 24 I gave in to a very convincing red sangria. And you would think it was because I had had such a terrible day but no this was not the case at all. It was a gorgeous day and everyone around me couldn't help but notice that I was much lighter in a mental and physical sense. And this is when I assumed I was in control more quickly than I had expected. My reasoning? I had made it 24 days! I deserved just ONE drink, right? Ha. Silly me. One drink ended up only being four and I did have a great time. I was finally completely in control of me. I thought I had finally figured it all out. This was the Charlotte I loved and wanted to be and share with everyone around me. It was the next day when one turned into 10 that I knew I had thrown in the towel too soon.

That was two days ago and I cannot express to you how intense the emotional boxing match within has been. I became so angry with myself. And there is only one way to turn when the shame hits and that's to put a drink in my hand... but something stopped me today, a quote actually:

The next time you think about something wonderful, please don't forget yourself.

It was a much needed smack in the face. So I hit a big bump in my road and I could label it and add it to my list of failures or I could start a new list and entitle it Lessons. And I am doing just that. Lesson learned. Not one I'm proud of but it's not going to stop me from continuing to better myself. I have 24 hard earned clear thinking days under my belt and I'm not discounting them because of 2 kinda shitty ones. I was so afraid it would affect people's perceptions of what I was attempting; make them less proud of me. But you know what? I'm proud of me. I am damned proud of me and that is more than good enough for me. I have the control to pick out the colors and thoughts that will fill my days and today, and hopefully for many more to come, I choose the color beautiful.

Love, Rants & Raves

1. Invest in a really comfy pillow. Seriously, splurge on a luxurious ball of fluff to lay your head on when you hit the hay. Sleep is so precious and no good night should be spent on a scratchy pillowcase.

2. Go through your old photos. And I don't mean just a couple years back to your high school days so you can compare your younger body to the older version you now inhabit. I mean pull down those dusty boxes of your family and baby photos. Find pictures of your parents when the love was young and unsure, your mother cradling you for the first time and the arrival of younger siblings. Find your grandmother as a teenager, agile and sharp with a beaming smile of curiosity that your eyes will never have the pleasure of witnessing in person. Watch how their journeys have slowly paved the stepping stones to your own. After, life's heavy load may seem that much more bearable.

3. Cleanse your body. I know it's fun to be reckless but it's the only body you've got and it deserves some serious maintenance sometimes. So eat your veggies, drink some water and get some deep shut eye. Maybe get crazy and talk a walk after dinner. You can always return to your debaucherous ways.

4. Read a book. Do I really even need to justify that one?

5. Have a game board party. Seriously. Get your childhood favorites.. Whip out Connects Four, Candy Land, Guess who, Clue, Mouse Trap or a good old game of War... Whatever you loved playing when you were a wee one. You'd be surprised how fun it still is to partake in a fight to the death of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

6. Be kind to strangers. I know its sometimes hard to understand why some people are even allowed out of their homes but you don't know their story. So even if it is through gritting teeth, smile and wish them a good day. Help an old lady or overwhelmed mother with her groceries or give a kid a dollar to play the claw machine.Or offer a loved one to take their kids for a night so the parents can have a proper night on the town. I imagine there is nothing more refreshing for their love than to get drunk and make out in the backseat of their truck like they were the kids again. Just do your deed for the day. It's consistently rewarding.

7. Write someone a letter. Not an email or a text. A letter handwritten with scribbles and all. It will be less of a message and more of an extension of yourself. Even if it's just placed in your own mailbox for your spouse to find it will be a sweet relief tucked between the mean faced bills.

8. Love deeply, use everything in you to make it honest and, of course, love often.